Three top ways a client can gain a different perspective - A blog about looking at things in new ways.

Clients are often surprised by  how quickly they can see things once they start looking at the problem objectively rather than emotionally. A big part of the counselling role is helping clients to gain a different insight and perspective. This article is going to explore three possible ways you can seek to think differently and gain a different perspective about situations that are happening in your life right now.

Identify fact from fiction 

We can often get drawn into our thoughts and emotions. It is very easy to fill gaps or make assumptions when we are experiencing strong feelings  and these can quickly become fact. For example Jenny  felt her Mother in law hated her because she had made some comments about her dress sense.  Jenny’s internal thoughts were “ My Mother in law hates me, she's probably laughing with all her friends about the way I dress”  this thought distressed Jenny and she began to avoid her Mother in law. During counselling Jenny looked at  what was fact and what was fiction and began to realise that the comments about her dress sense had only happened on two occasions and although hurtful were isolated incidents. She realised that when looking at the facts her Mother in Law often complimented her on  things such as how artistic she was. Jenny acknowledged that the comments still  hurt and decided if it happened again she would talk directly with her Mother in law about it.  As you can see from Jenny;s story we often fill in gaps when we are feeling strong emotions such as hurt and can make assumptions which damage relationships  by separating the fact from the fiction Jenny was able to decide what she wanted to do next and begin to build healthier relationships. When separating the act from the fiction you may like to ask yourself ….

How am I feeling right now?

What parts do I know to be true ?

What parts are assumptions I've made of how others may think?

Observe your thoughts objectively 

In the same way we can observe our thoughts objectively when we stand back and allow the emotion to pass. Emotion often keeps us trapped in the thought and helps it to continue to repeat over and over again. For example Pete felt very angry with his best friend as he felt his friend had chosen a girlfriend  unsuitable for him and explored in session how angry he was that his friend had brought someone into the group who didn't share similar interests. As he began to name his emotions Pete realised he felt lonely at the thought that his best friend might develop new interests he noticed that he felt that he was boring and had feelings around  wondering if he was an interesting friend.  A good way to look at your thoughts  objectively is to begin to name them you my like to write then on a piece of paper using I am statements for example I am Jealous by doing this you are allowing the intensity of the emotion to pass and beginning to look at it in a more well rounded way. When looking at your thoughts objectively you my like to try asking yourself  the question.

What am I feeling?

What thoughts are attached to this emotion ?

If I could choose a more neutral emotion, what would I choose? 

Talking the answers to these questions over with a friend or counsellor can be a big help.  

Using our soft voice  and treating yourself as you would a friend

 Did you know that when we use our internal voice to work out our thoughts we often use a tone? A question I ask a lot in the counselling room is would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? There is often a lot of uncomfortable fidgeting and face pulling at this point before the client admits n they often talk  to themselves quite harshly. Remi often did this when they made a mistake , Remi would often make a small mistake such as forgetting to take the bin out and then tell themselves “ I'm so stupid I always mess everything up”. Remi explored this and realised that by telling  themselves they were stupid they began to internalize this and believe it was true. Remi began to use a softer voice and would remind themselves that everyone makes mistakes and think of practical solutions such as putting a reminder on their phone. I wonder what voice you use when you talk to yourself? Is it a harsh one or a soft one? A way to notice this may be to ask yourself if I was talking to a friend would I speak to them this way. 

When we are in the midst of a difficult situation we can often forget there is more than one way to look at things. What would help you to remove yourself from an intense emotion and gain a new perspective?